180.
alex moved out.
after a long and painful push. lots of crying on my part. lots of avoidance and sadness.
he took his bed and his couch and all his things.
then he came over for a game of cards – i know, i’m a sucker. but i really like being around him.
and he said this thing – a thing that caught me off guard – a thing that made be say “wait, you have to repeat that.”
he said, “kansas, i figured out that you are the girl i want to be with. moving out was so painful and now i know that i want you in my life.”
!!!
?what?
maybe to you all in the internet void saw it coming, but i was flabbergasted. he flipped 180 in what seems like days – but actually, when i think about it, we haven’t had a real talk in weeks. i’ve just been focusing on my own shit and letting go of him.
now, is this a trick? is this a moment of severe weakness? is this just a reaction to the pain of loss?
i guess we have yet to see. it has been a week.
we made out once. it was sweet and fucking hot. just kissing, then i told him i had to go.
one thing i forgot to mention is that he asked “have i missed the bus? because i completely understand if you are done with me.”
i kept him waiting for a few days till i let him know that he had not, in fact, “missed the bus” but i didn’t quite know what that meant.
so here we are. in a state of “i don’t know what that means.”
it feels good. though i am afraid i will gain all that weight back and turn into the frumpy sexless beast i was before. but the month of april is my time to shine. i will take all the lessons i have learned over the last few months and reinforce them – make them a part of my life.
he will live in his apartment and i will live in my house and we will map out the next stage.
maybe i will even write about the sex we have – goddamnit it is gonna be great.
