my harem…

my father always called me a collector of people. i took them on, charmed them, worked with them, connected with them, drew inspiration from them, helped them, soothed them, motivated them, made fancy with them. but end all, i was not theirs. i came and went in the relationship as i felt – as they learned (sometimes painfully) not to expect anything but that.

it began with friends, i had many. people i would see in the halls in school or ride next to on the bus. we all had our own special intimate relationships for that time – but nothing more.

work was much the same. the guys i worked next to on the line, or my favorite waiter – we were best friends at work, wonderful drinking buddies – but that was it.

i didn’t let many people in. i came from a weird family and didn’t have many pop culture references to draw from. i assumed no one understood me.

my parties were unbelievable – so many different people from so many different backgrounds, most of which only had me in common. like a great meeting of a community that didn’t know it existed.

i got a little older and began to find people like me, i began to get more comfortable in my skin. growing up can be such a relief.

but these old social ways have still stuck with me. i have many people that would probably consider me a good friend, because i listen to them, respond sympathetically, and am extremely honest about my life.

this has become the structure of my love life.

i have been single for three years. along this road i have picked up many lovers. all of them knew they weren’t exclusive, so there was no beginning and certainly no end to these relationships. these are men i see sometimes. guys i go to dinner with, guys that show up at my house at 2am, guys that just want me to listen to them, guys that don’t want to talk, guys that confess their love to me, and guys that pretend i don’t exist most of the time.

i have begun to call them my harem. because it is feeling more and more like that. plus that makes me feel like i am in control of the situation, it is the choice i have made.

having a harem is great most of the time. especially when i am feeling good. i like the diversity. i like the change. i like being who i am with each and every one of them.

sometimes i do get lonely. but i don’t really know what that means.

sometimes i want to “share my life with someone.” but i think that can’t really be true.

i suppose i want something deeper. but with deeper comes more complicated. i like the ease of doing what i want when i want. but i also want someone that knows me. i want to reveal my kink, my idiosyncrasies, my passions.

i told a friend of mine that “i just want someone to be nice to me because they like me.” she looked at me with a look that said, “good luck, i can’t even get my boyfriend to do that.”

my mama always told me that you can’t get what you don’t know you want. i don’t know what i want. i guess i will just keep doing this for a while.

~ by kansas on March 25, 2009.